This morning, I was riding in the car on my way to work, listening to some old-school music mixed with some of the newer songs. Some of the lyrics were sexual, and I was just singing, dancing in my seat, enjoying myself. Then, out of nowhere, something crossed my mind that made me start thinking deeper about myself. I started wondering, what is really inside of me that keeps causing me to go in these circles? Why do I get consistent with certain things in my life, only to eventually find myself right back where I started?

My daughter told me once, “Mama, you might have that Jezebel spirit.” I remember looking at her like, Jezebel spirit? I don’t have no Jezebel spirit! I like to flirt. I’m not going to bust a grape, but yes, I like to flirt! 😂 But this morning, that conversation came back to me, and it made me wonder whether there is something deeper underneath certain behaviors in my life. I’m not saying that liking to flirt or singing along to a sexual song automatically means somebody has a “Jezebel spirit.” I’m asking myself whether there are deeper emotional things inside of me that I haven’t completely dealt with yet.

I’ve struggled with my weight going up and down, trying to become consistent, and I’ve also had periods where alcohol became something I would turn to and then pull away from again. One of my trainers, Beth, once told me something that has never left me. She said, “Esther, I don’t want you to lose the weight. I want you to release it, because anything you lose, you can find again.” She believed there was something deeper than food causing me to find comfort in eating. She wasn’t the only person who told me that either. Before my bariatric surgery, I spoke with a psychiatrist who also told me that there could be something deeper than food that I needed to discover and deal with.

Maybe this morning I started getting closer to understanding what some of that could be.

There were things that happened to me when I was a child involving inappropriate touching and boundary violations. Some involved family members. For years, I didn’t completely understand why I didn’t tell someone when certain things happened. I eventually told my daddy about one situation, and he asked me, “Why didn’t you tell me?” And I really didn’t have an answer. I knew my daddy, and I knew he probably would have put his hands on somebody if he had known what happened. But for whatever reason, I kept it inside.

That’s something else I started thinking about this morning. Why do people who have been violated sometimes find themselves protecting the person who violated them? Why are we worried about what is going to happen to the person who did something wrong to us, while we’re the ones left carrying what happened? I don’t know if I completely understand it even today.

And that’s where my revelation came in. Could some of the things I experienced years ago still be connected to patterns I’m dealing with today? Could there be something emotionally buried underneath my relationship with food, alcohol, attention, flirting, or even my need to always have somebody to talk to? I’m not claiming that I’ve figured everything out this morning. I haven’t. But I’m finally willing to ask myself the question.

I kept saying I’ve been doing a 180, but then I realized that’s not even what I mean. 😂 A 180 means you’re turning around and going in another direction. I’m talking about a 360—going all the way around and eventually ending up right back at the same place. That’s what I’m tired of doing. I don’t want another 360. I want the 180. I want to turn around, keep moving forward, and stop returning to the same things I’ve been trying to leave behind.

This morning was especially emotional because I had to ask God just to give me the strength and energy to get myself out of the door. I was getting ready for work anyway, but inside I was saying, “Lord, please give me some strength. Help me put some pep in my step.” I wasn’t physically weak. It was more emotional and mental. Sometimes you have to talk yourself into getting up, moving forward, and choosing joy anyway. I had to remind myself to thank God because I’ve been blessed with another day.

I prayed for my children, my granddaughter, my family, my friends, and for peace in this world. I pray that people learn how to love one another because everybody needs somebody. But then something else happened. I called one friend, and she was already on the phone. I called another friend, and they didn’t answer. Then I thought, Esther, talk to God.

Maybe I don’t always have to have a physical person available every time I need to talk. Maybe part of what I need is to become more consistent about talking to God. I used to have a routine of getting up around 4:30 in the morning, and sometimes I still wake up before that alarm even goes off. I’ll lie there for a minute and talk to God. But if I’m being truthful, there are also mornings when I turn around and grab my phone first. That’s something I want to change.

I want to become more consistent with giving God the beginning of my day instead of immediately giving it to my phone. I also want to start fasting from social media more because I spend too much time on it. Maybe some of the healing I’m asking God for requires me to get quiet enough to actually deal with what’s going on inside of me instead of constantly distracting myself.

I don’t have all the answers today. I’m not even saying my revelation explains everything. I’m just saying that something hit me differently this morning, and instead of ignoring it, I’m going to pay attention to it. Maybe healing isn’t always about changing what’s happening on the outside. Maybe sometimes we have to finally ask ourselves what’s hurting on the inside. And maybe that’s where my real 180 begins. That’s my rant for this morning. Everybody have a blessed day.